Holy Crap, the "Deep Thoughts" guy from Saturday Night Live is a real person! Here is his wikipedia entry. His ability to write and quickly take you in unexpected directions is astounding.

He has a new book out, "What I'd Say to the Martians: and other Veiled Threats." I'll be buying it soon, but until then here's some of his totally funny and totally unattributed writings:

• Before insulting a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets mad, you're a mile away - and you have his shoes.
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because, what IS that thing?
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
• To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.