Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

From Introspective Comics:






































http://ryandow.com/ic/2007/03/11/everyone-else/

I find this article to be quite interesting. As a person who suffered\suffers from depression, I have also been identified as having many of the skills outlined in this article. Could major depression be an over expression of increased mental functioning?

http://smarterware.org/5371/the-evolutionary-reason-for-depression

If you are like me, you often make music compliations for various events: vacations, friends, and the occasional holiday mix. For Thanksgiving, I've usually just played "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Gutherie and called it a holiday. This year, NPR has put together a fine Thanksgiving's Day mix.

Songs For Stuffing: A Thanksgiving Mix.

I'm looking forward to listening to it myself.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Why I love where I live\work.

Last night, I was doing my laundry at the camp's machines (as my new washer and dryer aren't here yet), talking to a friend on my cell phone. I look up, and there's three deer in the middle of the camp. Gently walking by. They are checking me out, but not overly nervous. Not being able to resist, I chased after them, like seagulls on the beach. Those three, and two more I hadn't been able to make out in the dusk, all take off.

Shortly after, I'm walking around the camp, and I come across a few more deer. These I approach slowly. They don't take off, in fact, one comes closer. I get within 20 feet of them. It was tremendous.

Why I'm sad to not be closer to friends.

The freezer in the kitchen went out today, thawing some of the food. We were able to save most of it, but decided to ditch most of the meat as a precaution. There were two sides of ribs which had thawed, but were still cold. I got to take them home. Now, I'm all ready to grill out. Now, I just need friends nearby to grill out with. I'm in a beautiful location, near good brewers and vinters, but it gets kinda lonely.

On to match.com.....

Do I still want to be a Christian? Do I have a choice?

Lately, I've been thinking more about how I outwardly identify my faith and who that groups me with and who it separates me from. I'm not doubting my faith; I am solid in my beliefs and they haven't significantly changed in some time. But really, what does it mean to assume the label of a Christian?

I'm down with Jesus. Now, even that statement is quite loaded. What I believe about who Jesus was, is, represents and how his life, death, and resurrection influences the way I live my live would be at odds with the belief of many Christians. Really, that's the point. I'm not much for confessions of faith, I prefer to give my personal testimony. But, I believe that Jesus crystallized a renewal of faith that subjugated a blind dogma that separated us from our fellow humans. Our fellow beings are also created in the image of the divine and our alienation from them also separated us from our Creator and from all of creation. Yet, too often it feels that more and more Christians are falling prey to the easy allure of a similar dogma that is more concerned with defining who is in and who is out than if we are loving others as ourselves.

By calling myself a Christian, I associate myself with those who I feel are missing the message of Jesus. Also, and what pains me more, is that those who reject Christians and Christianity because of the bigotry and non-Christ-like actions of many individuals and denominations see no difference between me and those who oppress in the name of Jesus, creating more distance between us. I have tried to associate with those followers of Jesus who are shouting back that Christianity is not bigotry, but it feels like we few are shouting across a larger and larger abyss and there are fewer and fewer of us left to do the shouting.

So, we have three groups, the un-Christlike Christians, the faithfully departed, and the shrinking shouters. Lord knows, I like to shout. But I find myself wondering, is redeeming the word Christian really a fight worth fighting? I find myself thinking of a quote from Pelagius, asking if it is more important that a person professes to be a Christian, or acts like a Christian. My books are not yet unpacked from my move, so I'll have to find the quote later. Essentially, he questioned which is more important, orthodoxy "right belief" or orthopraxy, "right action." Again, another loaded theological question, sure to set my seminary friends at odds. Myself, I tend to lean toward orthopraxy. So did Pelagius, but then he was branded a heretic. Again, I find myself wondering if that isn't the point.

So, I find myself thinking about who I'd be standing with if I keep calling myself a Christian, and who I'd be standing with if I start calling myself something else. By being a Christian, I get a lot of (and pardon the over generalization) right wing conservative whack jobs who wrap Jesus in a red, white, and reluctanly blue American flag and a few Jesus followers who are defensive about our faith, tired of being persecuted by those that say we aren't really Christian because we support homosexual marriage, national healthcare, and dare to bring up the fact that Jesus is the prince of peace. On the other side, I'd be with the many non-believers, a growing fraction of younger America, according to a recent Pew Study. Many may or may not care about faith or spirituality, but some would be exactly the people that I'd want to be with, the spiritually moved who cannot associate themselves with a faith that has such a checkered track record.

So, do I need to call myself a Christian to follow Christ? Is the word Christian worth fighting for? As followers of Christ, we are called upon to be in communion with one another. But if trying to maintain that communion drives others away, what then?

I have more to say, but it is late, and my thoughts are becoming less and less focused, so I'll stop for now and see if any readers have anything to say in response.

I'll leave you with some Bible verses that have been coming to mind as I write this:

Mark 9:38-40
John said to him, "Teacher, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he was not following us." But Jesus said, "Do not stop him; for no one who does a deed of power in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me. Whoever is not against us is for us.

Matthew 21:28-32
A man had two sons; he went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work in the vineyard today.' He answered, 'I will not'; but later he changed his mind and went. The father went to the second and said the same; and he answered, 'I go, sir'; but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?" They said, "The first." Jesus said to them, "Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him; and even after you saw it, you did not change your minds and believe him.

1 John 4:1-8
Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God; for many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. And this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming; and now it is already in the world. Little children, you are from God, and have conquered them; for the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. They are from the world; therefore what they say is from the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us, and whoever is not from God does not listen to us. From this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error. Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.

Hello Blogger,

I know, it's been a while since we've talked. I'm sorry, I should have written sooner. It's just, well, things are changing between us. It isn't you, it's me. I'm not really sure what it is I hope our relationship is anymore. I thought with this time off, I'd be writing more, but the opposite is just the case. I'm not sure what I want to use this space for anymore. Sometimes I felt that this space was just somewhere I'd post stoff that I found amusing or thought provoking. But then I met Facebook and all that changed. Facebook reaches out to more people than this little blog.

I've been thinking that this might be a place where I do some more writing. I've had some stories bouncing around in my head, some autobiographical, some not. At any rate, I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you. I just don't know what our relationship will be. Please be patient.


Ok, enough pseudo-dramatic dear-John blathering. In other news, my seminary was recently featured in a PBS special about Seminaries and Sex. A link to the clip will be at the end of this post. Whatever your beliefs about sexuality and faith, I think it's important to recognize that the two are deeply connected and not in an adversarial sort of way. How you experience your sexuality can speak to how you experience the divine, other people, and the rest of creation.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/episodes/march-27-2009/seminaries-and-sex/2511/

This blog is to fill a gap in internet knowledge.

Back in 1974, Julia Child was on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. During her visit she gave the recipe for a casserole. I can remember my mother hearing the recipe on the television and scrambling for a pen and paper. She missed the recipe, and watched Mr. Roger's Neighborhood with us religiously until they re-ran the episode and she could copy it down. My family has taken that recipe and made it into one of our favorite dinners. I can't find the recipe anywhere on the internet, and so I'm adding it for posterity.

Here's the recipe:

Mr. Roger's Casserole

One small can of tuna, drained
3-4 green onions, chopped
one handful of grated Swiss cheese
one handful of chopped black olives
one handful of dried parsley
one handful of walnuts
one box (8 oz?) of spaghetti
leaves of lettuce - iceberg, greenleaf or your choice

serves 3-4

1. Prepare spaghetti noodles

2. Combine all other ingredients except the lettuce.

3. When spaghetti is finished, drain and combine in the cooking pot with the other ingredients. Stir until the cheese is melted and the casserole is mixed thoroughly.

4. Make a bed of lettuce and place mix on the lettuce.

5. Salt and pepper to taste

My family has always adored this recipe for it's simplicity and it's tastiness. It is fairly open to modification. I've changed the recipe in my own household to use whole grain pasta and a variety of leaf lettuces. Though there were rarely leftovers, they are good either re-heated or served cold.

Alright, if you haven't picked up on it already, I'm infatuated with the video blog website illdoctrine.com. It's run by Jay Smooth, who has decades of cred in the hip hop community. His postings cover a wide range of topics and cover a lot of ground in the hip hop and Black community including culture, politics, and the issues of misogyny and homophobia. I find what he has to say to be persuasive, multi-layered, and spot on. Not to mention entertaining. So, don't be surprised if I keep posting his videos until I get this blogger crush out of my system.

I'm sure you are dying to know why I find this so interesting. I've been a fan of hip-hop since I started listening to music. Some of the first cassettes I had were called Raps Greatest Hits and had tracks from Kurtis Blow, Doug E. Fresh, Erik B. and Rakim. At the time, I was just one more white kid in the suburbs trying to be Black, or as we called it, a wigger. These were also the days of New Jack Swing, which influenced my sense of romance. Anyway, as time went on hip hop's lyrics and style influenced me, and I realized that if I liked this kind of music I also needed to pay more attention to the cultures and influences that shaped this music. This pushed me towards trying to understand racism and poverty in the United States, and started me thinking about cultural appropriation, the taking of elements of a usually minority culture by a more dominant culture.

To this day, cultural appropriation is one of the things that angers me the most, is rarely discussed, and is in reality a much more complex cultural interchange, as mainstream American culture is not totally seperated from the African American, inner-city cultures. So, I have tried to not be just a consumer, or a taker in Randian terms. As a member of dominant society, I must constantly check my priveldge and remember that I must instead work towards cultural exchange, where I give back as much as I take. I don't do this just in regards to hip hop and the Black community, but also in regards to interfaith dialogue, especially when it comes to Native American religions.

So, to bring it all back, illdoctrine has been a great reminder to me of the nuances of hip hop culture and the larger Black communities and I find Jay Smooth can help keep me on track. A good example of this is a piece he did on a church in Chicago putting up billboards telling people to not listen to some rappers. For all you ministers out there, what he has to say about this church's move is something to take to heart and mirrors much of what I learned in seminary about community dialogue.

So check it out. Don't believe the hype (even if it's my hype)

I really like New Years. Not so much as a festive occasion but as a new beginning.* It is one of the reasons why I am adamant about saying Happy Holidays through the month of December. For me, there is more than one "reason for the season," and I think the birth of Jesus and the birth of a new year are related. This blog entry will be some of my thoughts as I get ready to move into a new year as well as some texts that I'm finding useful this new year's season. There may be a follow up to this entry, or not, as the spirit moves.

New years is chance to pause, reflect, and assess where I'm at, how I am, and see who I am becoming. Maybe it's the Catholic in me, but a regular time for self reflection and confession does my soul good. I don't go in much for New Year's Resolutions but use the holiday as a time of reflection and a signpost in the path of my life. Even the weather cooperates with this mindset. The cold keeps me inside more often, and the snow and ice quiet the outside and require me to focus on walking, creating more space for reflection on my walks.

In thinking of the the past year and the year to come, I feel lucky to be able to use this time of year as a transition point. Within the coming year, there will be many new things in my life, a new job, a new degree program, and most likely a new city. In looking back, I look at the job that I left, and I see what I've taken from that experience, both good and not so good. In some ways, my self care skills have improved, but at the expense of others, I fear.

One thing that I've been reflecting on is how I view my overall mindset and sets of skills. I have noticed that I am shifting from the view of me being focused on organization and moving towards a focus of creation. I have also discovered that I've fallen away from something that energized me, teaching, and have found something else, making. Call it arts and crafts, DIY, tinkering, or living more self-sufficiently. I think of it as making. In the coming year, I want to continue making, and if an opportunity to teach presents itself, I will take that as well. The coming year will need to be a year of patience and preperation, as I realize that I am not in a place to have what I want, a clearly defined career path and a long term loving relationship.

So, with all of that in mind, here are four texts that I am finding useful to keep in the back of my mind.

Table by Edip Cansever, translated by Richard Tillinghast



A man filled with the gladness of living
Put his keys on the table,
Put flowers in a copper bowl there.
He put his eggs and milk on the table.
He put there the light that came in through the window,
Sound of a bicycle, sound of a spinning wheel.
The softness of bread and weather he put there.
On the table the man put
Things that happened in his mind.
What he wanted to do in life,
He put that there.
Those he loved, those he didn't love,
The man put them on the table too.
Three time three makes nine;
The man put nine on the table.

He was next to the window next to the sky;
He reached out and placed on the table endlessness.
So many days he had wanted to drink a beer!
He put on the table the pouring of that beer.
He placed there his sleep and his wakefulness;
His hunger and his fullness he placed there.

Now that's what I call a table!
It didn't complain at all about the load.
It wobbled once or twice, then stood firm.
The man kept piling things on.



An excerpt from Seventh Son, by Orson Scott Card. Page 129.

"It came together in Alvin's mind. The whole story that the Taleswapper was trying to tell. Alvin knew all kinds of opposites in the world: good and evil, light and dark, free and slave, love and hate. But deeper than all those opposites was making and unmaking. So deep that hardly anybody noticed that it was the most important opposite of all. But he noticed, and so that made the Unmaker his enemy. That's why the Unmaker came after him in his sleep. After all, Alvin had his knack. His knack for setting things in order, putting things in the shape they ought to be in."



Getting Back To Work, Part 1 from illdoctrine.com






Beating The Little Hater also from illdoctrine.com



That's all for now. I hope your new years is as transformative as I hope mine will be.

* as a party, New Years hasn't always treated me kindly. Rather, New Years has shown why I should stick to beer, because I have almost no ability to limit my alcoholic intake, as the toilets in the childhood house of a certain friend can attest.

Hey all, after a couple of weeks back from my vacation, I'm finally collected enough to post pictures and give an overview.

First, here's a link to my flickr page with all my pictures.

Overall, the trip was great. I took an Amtrak train from Chicago to East Glacier, Montana. It was about a 30 hour ride, and it was quite enjoyable. I saw a lot of the country I hadn't seen before, and I got some good pictures shooting out the window.

My first day in Glacier I took a tour with the Going to the Sun tour company, a tour company run by the blackfeet tribe. After that, I took hikes to Cobalt lake (which almost killed this flatlander, who forgot to factor in elevation to his hiking plans), St. Mary Lake, St. Mary falls, Virginia falls, Twin Falls, Two Medicine lake, and got a good amount of relaxing and thinking in as well. I saw or hiked along Sinopah Mountain, Rising Wolf Mountain, Triple Divide peak, one of the few places in the world where water will eventually flow to three different oceans. I met some really cool people, and really relaxed.

After Glacier, I headed to Spokane Washington to visit a friend from seminary. What I had not counted on was catching giardia, or beaver fever, which made for an uncomfortable train ride. But, one visit to the nearest Emergency Room and a full day of sleep later, I was doing alright. We drove out to a retreat center in Idaho, and just hung out.

It was a great vacation, and it helped me focus on what I'd like to do next. I'd like to work at a retreat center, either as director, or in operations. It is a good melding of my seminary training, my natural inclinations, and my current work. So, the next couple months are going to be spent looking into job possibilities.

Glacier Park was a wonderful place, and somewhere I intend to visit again soon.

A friend sent me a chain letter that was a summer recipe exchange. Some of you were included in this mailing. After thinking a while, I realized I don't have any summer recipes for food. It's all beverages for me, sun tea watermelon (which is practically a liquid), lemonade, and so on. So, to give back to the community, here's my favorite recipe.

Cold Beer
serves 1
1 - 12 oz bottle of warm beer - micro beer preferable
1 - stein glass - chilled
1 - bottle opener
1 - chair

Taking the beer in hand, use the bottle opener to gently remove the bottle cap from the neck of the bottle. Discard the cap or keep to make into a fridge magnet.

Holding the glass at an approximately 45 degree angle, slowly pour the beer down the interior wall of the glass, adjusting the angle as the glass fills to maximize the amount of beer in the glass. Do not fill to the top, as the beer will foam up, creating a 'head' on the top of the glass.

Let the beer sit for 2-3 minutes to allow it to cool. Use this time to settle into your favorite chair and allow your feet to raise. Once your are comfortably situated, serve the chilled beer.

This recipe may be doubled, but beyond that, make sure there is a lavatory nearby.

OK, so if you haven't figured it out, at heart I'm a big ol' softy. My caustic demeanor hides the fact that I'm a romantic through and through. So, this BBC article really tore at my heart strings and I hope it gets at yours as well. We can't be bitter radicals all the time, can we?

Love letter jigsaw takes 15 years

A man spent 15 years piecing together 2,000 fragments of love letters to his late wife which she tore up when she caught someone reading them.

... to all of you who left a comment or sent an email or called over the last few days. Even if I haven't gotten back to you yet, I really do appreciate it. For those of you who struggle with depression, it is good to know that I walk in such august company. I've scheduled an appointment, and making even that step feels good. I've actually been in a pretty good mood the last few days, and hope this continues through the next few weeks of going back home and having family come visit.

and now, something that makes me laugh.



"Get out of the booth, Jack."
"No, I like it in here!"

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. So, here goes.

I've been depressed. A lot and often. I really don't want to leave my house and it takes all of my energy to go to work and make it through the day. I am seeking professional help and I assume that this will involve medication, which only bums me out more. There's a lot of work stress in my life right now as well as personal concerns. In fact, it feels like my whole life is in play.

I'm not asking for anything but kind thoughts. One thing that has surprised me is the shame I feel around even bringing up the word depression. While ministry isn't a health care profession per se, there is a lot of overlap with the mental health field, and I'd thought that I'd gotten beyond any internalized stigma surrounding mental health disorders. I was wrong. I find in all of this, as hard as it is to say, I have more sympathy for my bi-polar ex-girlfriend.

I don't want to turn my blog into a space that is nothing more than me bitching about my life, so I don't think that I'll be posting often about how I'm doing. But, I am not going to hide my problems either.

Lastly, for those of you who think I just need to suck it up and push my way through my blues, bite me and get a clue. That kind of thinking has kept me where I am for too long.

I read this morning that George Carlin died yesterday. I was very sad to hear this. I didn't view him as just a comedian, but also as a prophetic voice.

Many people have heard about the controversy surrounding his "Seven Dirty Words" sketch. It's not any comedian that can be part of a Supreme Court ruling. I also particularly enjoyed his routine on "Stuff," as well as many other witty observations about American society and politics. Though he was a professed atheist, I found religious inspiration in his words and a necessary critique of religious structures. To be honest, I sometimes used George Carlin as a litmus test for my own writings. In seminary, we were encouraged to think of our "communities of accountability" when we wrote, and I used Carlin as a sort of 'bull-shit' detector, a voice to keep me from departing too far from what is true and into the specious. If I felt that something I was writing could be satirized by Carlin, I found some other way to express that position

In reading his various obituaries, I found out that I became exposed to him just as his comedy was becoming more socially conscious. From the Chicago Tribune, "Last year, he said a highlight of his career was a 1992 HBO special titled Jamming in New York. 'That was the point where I probably became more of a writer who performed his own material. The material became more like essays, they became more socially conscious, and it was just a major jump from being what I think of as only an entertainer to being an artist-entertainer,' he said in a 2007 Times interview." Just as I was finishing high school, he gained a larger social conscience, something that I feel he helped instill in me.

So, raise a glass for George Carlin. Check out his life on wikipedia, and watch some of his bits on youtube. He's a comedian and an artist-entertainer that's well worth getting to know better.

I wrote this letter for my friends Nicolette and Gina as part of their wedding gift. I have a great respect for the Heifer Project, and I support all of their work. The only other thing you need to know is that my friend is obsessed with Polar Bears.

Dear Heifer Project,

I am writing you this letter to highlight a grave oversight in your current business model and to suggest a corrective action that would enable you to better serve your clientèle. I am a regular donor to the Heifer Project and I gratefully support your organizations goals and methods. However, I am concerned that there seems to be one geographic location and set of peoples that are under served by your project. I speak of the Inuit, Eskimo, and other indigenous peoples of the arctic region and their need for polar bears.

Polar bears are an essential component of life in the Arctic north. They help control rampant tourist populations and serve as a deterrent to terrorists that attempt to enter North America through the relatively unguarded arctic terrain. Without polar bears, the penguin population of Greenland would have multiplied by 7,500% in the last ten years alone. None of us can forget what those blighted, flightless birds have done to the once majestic Antarctica, and the now lost city of Atlantis.

Yet, the usefulness of polar bears is not just limited to their predatory nature. Their ability to manifest their souls in external armor makes them excellent warriors, a fact not easily overlooked by our “former” panzer adversaries in Germany. Polar bears are our only native defense to protect against the Chinese trained attack yetis. Also, polar bears are the only known effective adversary to the dreaded Chuck Norris, whose powers are otherwise uncontrollable.

While I recognize that predatory animals have not traditionally been a part of Heifer Project's selection of animals, I feel this is an oversight that is long overdue for correction. We cannot restore the ecological balance only through food producing animals. The attack potential of the average rabbit or hare is negligible without divine or magical intervention. (rf. Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail) Geese, while their honk is terrifying, have a distinct lack of teeth or claws that would make them useful in native necklaces and other forms of art. I don't know what politically-correct, PETA supporting board of trustees you have, but if we want the scriptures to be true, the lion (or polar bear) cannot lay down with the lamb without our concerted effort to sustain the polar bear (or lion) population.

Lastly, I feel that the polar bear is amply suited for inclusion into the Heifer Projects listing of animals due to its extreme cuteness. I know previous additions to the product line have not gone as well as one might hope. I too was disappointed in the failure to couple food sustenance and electric power with the electric eel project. The banana slug offering did not develop as well as could have been hoped. Similarly, the king cobra pet project could have been improved in the design phase. I am interested to hear how the test run with cloned velociraptors develops, as the marketing potential is enormous. However, the polar bear, with it's glossy white fur, dark eyes, gore dripping fangs and previous product placement in Christmas time Coca Cola ads, is a ready marketing stream to be tapped. Also, by making the polar bear the new marketing logo for Heifer International, some competing mascots could be eliminated, including the Cadburry Bunny, Morris the cat, the Energizer Bunny, the Vlasic stork, and that sellout, Snuggle Bear.

Until such time as the polar bear is given its rightfully prominent place in the pantheon of animals included in the Heifer Project, I will continue to support the other Heifer Projects product lines. However, I implore you to not delay in your inclusion of the polar bear. It is my dream to see a polar bear in every city in America, marching proudly down main street, saving us from the scourge of toy poodles and lap dogs that have for too long run unchecked. I also worry that without polar bears, our cities are open targets to pirates, zombies, robots, Martians, ninjas, and other invaders.

Viva ursus maritimus!!!!

Cordially,

Mr. Greg Briggs

It's official, I survived another year. The big 33: 3x11, an even dozen years since I've been able to drink legally, or an even fifteen years since I started drinking. I survived my Jesus year without getting crucified, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. At any rate, I'm feeling a bit maudlin (in a good way) and been thinking about the state of things. No reflections on politics, just my musings. So, if you aren't interested in introspection, read no further.

Upon reflection, I can see three threads playing out in my life over the past year: becoming comfortable with where I am now versus where I feel I should be, a renewed respect for common decency, and shoes. The shoes one is easy to explain. I have horrible feet. It's something I inherited from both parents, pigeon toes from my Dad, and a complete lack of arch from my Mom. While it protected me from any possible military draft, after walking about 5 minutes, my feet ache. I've had prescription inserts since the age of 16. This year, I found shoes that actually feel good on my feet. Clarks, and their Privo line of shoes. I have begun to enjoy walking for the first time in memory. It really is changing my outlook on life. It's just so nice to not be in pain all the time.

As for becoming comfortable with where I am, well, I've been trying to not beat myself up as much for not being where I feel I "should" be. I have been viewing my life by what I don't have, instead of what I do. I'm not married, though most of my friends are at this point. I have not seen my call manifest as many of my classmates have. These are things that bring me down. However, I am becoming ok with where things are at. I no longer feel that my call has left, or that my call has been abandoned, but that I need to be on this longer path for a reason. Maybe it's just the tempo of my life, or that I need to learn more about myself, but I'm cool with things. I'm not starving, I have health insurance, and I have the ability to talk and explore my call while I do my job, which is something many people don't have. As for my lack of a relationship, I'm just damn tired of waiting for one. This is me. I may be lonely sometimes, but I am not going to classify myself as a success by whether or not I'm with someone. I am a family, and I don't need a wife or a child to prove anything.

Lastly, my new respect for common decency. It's really about simple things, about being aware of what's around me. Thanking the train conductor when I go to work. Remembering special events in the lives of those I know. Not ignoring the homeless person on the street. Hospitality and gift giving. Things that, frankly speaking, I'm not very good at. Part of it is simple reciprocity. As I struggle with coming to terms with where I am at now and crave moral support from others, I feel that I should try and be more supportive of others, as well. Of course, this is most easily visible during holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.

What I am finding harder that I thought is my greater awareness of others decent actions, or lack thereof, as I'm trying to be more attentive to my own. As a person who is inherently distrustful, it's been hard to stay open when common decency isn't reciprocated. This is true with a woman I tried dating this year, who kept canceling on me when we needed to talk things out. We never did have our talk, and it's hard for me to not be pissed off when I think about it. And, sad to say, as grateful as I am for all the messages I got for my birthday, I found myself wondering about the long term friends I haven't heard from. I know it's just an oversight, but it is a twinge in me.

All of this leads to what I hope to work on this next year. First is a thicker skin. I need to tone back the judgmental part of my psyche. Second is to work on being able to both express when I am bothered and to have forgiveness for what's bothering me. Lastly, now that I know I'm just on a longer path and I have the shoes for it, I need to enjoy the walk and make sure that I enjoy the journey.

So, thanks to God for another year to live and for all the good times and good people. I can't wait to see what will happen this year.

So, this weekend is shaping up to be quite a lot of fun. Going out to dinner tonight, and tomorrow is a double feature of fun.

I'm going to my first roller derby this weekend. This should rock in ways I can't even express. I'm hoping the sheer vicarious joy of watching women smash into each other while on wheeled skates should help burn off some built up stress. If watching doesn't do it, me yelling like a damn fool will.

And then, as if that wasn't cool enough, I am going to start crewing a sailboat this summer, starting tomorrow morning. A friend of a co-worker has a boat, and after wowing him with my bitchin' EC-SAR experience, he's more than happy to have me come out and help scrape the bottom of his boat. It might not sound like fun, but it's been a long damn time since I've been on a boat, and I am looking forward to some hard labor. It's been 13 years since I've last crewed a boat, and I have missed it.

With all that, I look forward to a great interfaith discussion at church on Sunday, all to get ready for graduation week at school.

In short, booyeah.

This week has been a pretty crappy one as far as dealing with my family is concerned. As you may or may not know, my middle sister is getting married next month to a guy that my family and I generally don't approve of. It's caused quite a bit of family strife, as you can imagine.

Well, the latest drama is that after weeks of internal debate, I told my sister that I would not walk her down the aisle. It was a hard decision on my part and took a lot of emotional and mental energy. I completely understand why she would be pissed with me and she has every right to be. However, what I did not expect was the severity of the backlash from my other two sisters and my mother, all of whom are walking her down the aisle. One sister refuses to talk to me and the other and I had a 'frank' discussion on the phone Sunday night. Tonight, I will talk to my mother.

I never expected anyone to be pleased with decision, as I am not pleased to have made it either. But, what chaps my @$$ is that my family hasn't tried to see things from my perspective, but has just unloaded all their pent up frustrations with this wedding on me. At other points during the build up for the wedding, I've helped most of them talk through some of their frustrations and pain that they feel, but I don't get the same consideration. I just get pigeonholed as being stubborn.

I am tired of trying to be open, to trying to see things from both perspectives. I'm tired of acting as counselor to my family and then being hung out to dry when I need them. My mother and my sisters' definition of "Supporting" my sister does not mesh with mine, but instead of trying to talk about it, I get shut out.

Sorry to vent like this, but I just needed to let it out. Thanks for reading.

Some of you may not want to know this, but I have started reading poetry while using the bathroom. Amazingly, it works well. When I've tried to read poetry books, I tend to try to read through them too fast, and don't spend the time to savor each poem. Currently, I'm reading Good Poems for Hard Times, edited by Garrison Keillor.

So anyway, here's a poem I just read that I find enjoyable and is applicable right now.

"The Happiest Day," by Linda Pastan

It was early May, I think
a moment of lilac or dogwood
when so many promises are made
it hardly matters if a few are broken.
My mother and father still hovered
in the background, part of the scenery
like the houses I had grown up in,
and if they would be torn down later
that was something I knew
but didn't believe. Our children were asleep
or playing, the youngest as new
as the new smell of the lilacs,
and how could I have guessed
their roots were shallow
and would be easily transplanted.
I didn't even guess that I was happy.
The small irritations that are like salt
on melon were what I dwelt on,
though in truth they simply
made the fruit taste sweeter.
So we sat on the porch
in the cool morning, sipping
hot coffee. Behind the news of the day--
strikes and small wars, a fire somewhere--
I could see the top of your dark head
and thought not of public conflagrations
but of how it would feel on my bare shoulder.
If someone could stop the camera then...
if someone could only stop the camera
and ask me: are you happy?
perhaps I would have noticed
how the morning shone in the reflected
color of lilac. Yes, I might have said
and offered a steaming cup of coffee.


Right now, I'm looking forward to the smell of lilacs and thinking of the lines, "I didn't even guess that I was happy. \ The small irritations that are like salt \ on melon were what I dwelt on, \ though in truth they simply \ made the fruit taste sweeter." My small irritation is forgetting to include my email address in a message I sent someone and trying not too feel too dorkish\awkward in a 7th-grade-wearing-headgear-and-thick-glasses sort of way. So, I'm trying to let this salt help my life taste this much sweeter.

ps. I added my email address to the right side bar, if for no other reason than to make sure that this salty irritation doesn't turn into salt in my wound.