An Open Letter to the Heifer Project

Posted by Bushel Basket in , ,

I wrote this letter for my friends Nicolette and Gina as part of their wedding gift. I have a great respect for the Heifer Project, and I support all of their work. The only other thing you need to know is that my friend is obsessed with Polar Bears.

Dear Heifer Project,

I am writing you this letter to highlight a grave oversight in your current business model and to suggest a corrective action that would enable you to better serve your clientèle. I am a regular donor to the Heifer Project and I gratefully support your organizations goals and methods. However, I am concerned that there seems to be one geographic location and set of peoples that are under served by your project. I speak of the Inuit, Eskimo, and other indigenous peoples of the arctic region and their need for polar bears.

Polar bears are an essential component of life in the Arctic north. They help control rampant tourist populations and serve as a deterrent to terrorists that attempt to enter North America through the relatively unguarded arctic terrain. Without polar bears, the penguin population of Greenland would have multiplied by 7,500% in the last ten years alone. None of us can forget what those blighted, flightless birds have done to the once majestic Antarctica, and the now lost city of Atlantis.

Yet, the usefulness of polar bears is not just limited to their predatory nature. Their ability to manifest their souls in external armor makes them excellent warriors, a fact not easily overlooked by our “former” panzer adversaries in Germany. Polar bears are our only native defense to protect against the Chinese trained attack yetis. Also, polar bears are the only known effective adversary to the dreaded Chuck Norris, whose powers are otherwise uncontrollable.

While I recognize that predatory animals have not traditionally been a part of Heifer Project's selection of animals, I feel this is an oversight that is long overdue for correction. We cannot restore the ecological balance only through food producing animals. The attack potential of the average rabbit or hare is negligible without divine or magical intervention. (rf. Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail) Geese, while their honk is terrifying, have a distinct lack of teeth or claws that would make them useful in native necklaces and other forms of art. I don't know what politically-correct, PETA supporting board of trustees you have, but if we want the scriptures to be true, the lion (or polar bear) cannot lay down with the lamb without our concerted effort to sustain the polar bear (or lion) population.

Lastly, I feel that the polar bear is amply suited for inclusion into the Heifer Projects listing of animals due to its extreme cuteness. I know previous additions to the product line have not gone as well as one might hope. I too was disappointed in the failure to couple food sustenance and electric power with the electric eel project. The banana slug offering did not develop as well as could have been hoped. Similarly, the king cobra pet project could have been improved in the design phase. I am interested to hear how the test run with cloned velociraptors develops, as the marketing potential is enormous. However, the polar bear, with it's glossy white fur, dark eyes, gore dripping fangs and previous product placement in Christmas time Coca Cola ads, is a ready marketing stream to be tapped. Also, by making the polar bear the new marketing logo for Heifer International, some competing mascots could be eliminated, including the Cadburry Bunny, Morris the cat, the Energizer Bunny, the Vlasic stork, and that sellout, Snuggle Bear.

Until such time as the polar bear is given its rightfully prominent place in the pantheon of animals included in the Heifer Project, I will continue to support the other Heifer Projects product lines. However, I implore you to not delay in your inclusion of the polar bear. It is my dream to see a polar bear in every city in America, marching proudly down main street, saving us from the scourge of toy poodles and lap dogs that have for too long run unchecked. I also worry that without polar bears, our cities are open targets to pirates, zombies, robots, Martians, ninjas, and other invaders.

Viva ursus maritimus!!!!


Mr. Greg Briggs

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 27, 2008 at Tuesday, May 27, 2008 and is filed under , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


Hear hear!!

May 28, 2008 at 7:34 AM

all i can say is, it's too bad i'm a married lady now. you had me at "polar bear". i am, once again, laughing to the point of tears.

May 28, 2008 at 2:15 PM
Jen Parson I already heard you talking about this, and still, I'm a little scared. :)

May 28, 2008 at 2:49 PM

This is Meredith--haven't talked to you in awhile. I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi.

June 4, 2008 at 12:59 PM

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