Birthday reflections

Posted by Bushel Basket in

It's official, I survived another year. The big 33: 3x11, an even dozen years since I've been able to drink legally, or an even fifteen years since I started drinking. I survived my Jesus year without getting crucified, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. At any rate, I'm feeling a bit maudlin (in a good way) and been thinking about the state of things. No reflections on politics, just my musings. So, if you aren't interested in introspection, read no further.

Upon reflection, I can see three threads playing out in my life over the past year: becoming comfortable with where I am now versus where I feel I should be, a renewed respect for common decency, and shoes. The shoes one is easy to explain. I have horrible feet. It's something I inherited from both parents, pigeon toes from my Dad, and a complete lack of arch from my Mom. While it protected me from any possible military draft, after walking about 5 minutes, my feet ache. I've had prescription inserts since the age of 16. This year, I found shoes that actually feel good on my feet. Clarks, and their Privo line of shoes. I have begun to enjoy walking for the first time in memory. It really is changing my outlook on life. It's just so nice to not be in pain all the time.

As for becoming comfortable with where I am, well, I've been trying to not beat myself up as much for not being where I feel I "should" be. I have been viewing my life by what I don't have, instead of what I do. I'm not married, though most of my friends are at this point. I have not seen my call manifest as many of my classmates have. These are things that bring me down. However, I am becoming ok with where things are at. I no longer feel that my call has left, or that my call has been abandoned, but that I need to be on this longer path for a reason. Maybe it's just the tempo of my life, or that I need to learn more about myself, but I'm cool with things. I'm not starving, I have health insurance, and I have the ability to talk and explore my call while I do my job, which is something many people don't have. As for my lack of a relationship, I'm just damn tired of waiting for one. This is me. I may be lonely sometimes, but I am not going to classify myself as a success by whether or not I'm with someone. I am a family, and I don't need a wife or a child to prove anything.

Lastly, my new respect for common decency. It's really about simple things, about being aware of what's around me. Thanking the train conductor when I go to work. Remembering special events in the lives of those I know. Not ignoring the homeless person on the street. Hospitality and gift giving. Things that, frankly speaking, I'm not very good at. Part of it is simple reciprocity. As I struggle with coming to terms with where I am at now and crave moral support from others, I feel that I should try and be more supportive of others, as well. Of course, this is most easily visible during holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.

What I am finding harder that I thought is my greater awareness of others decent actions, or lack thereof, as I'm trying to be more attentive to my own. As a person who is inherently distrustful, it's been hard to stay open when common decency isn't reciprocated. This is true with a woman I tried dating this year, who kept canceling on me when we needed to talk things out. We never did have our talk, and it's hard for me to not be pissed off when I think about it. And, sad to say, as grateful as I am for all the messages I got for my birthday, I found myself wondering about the long term friends I haven't heard from. I know it's just an oversight, but it is a twinge in me.

All of this leads to what I hope to work on this next year. First is a thicker skin. I need to tone back the judgmental part of my psyche. Second is to work on being able to both express when I am bothered and to have forgiveness for what's bothering me. Lastly, now that I know I'm just on a longer path and I have the shoes for it, I need to enjoy the walk and make sure that I enjoy the journey.

So, thanks to God for another year to live and for all the good times and good people. I can't wait to see what will happen this year.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, May 22, 2008 at Thursday, May 22, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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